trigger happy

Detox to Retox theme by Marg

ayyy happy day

Posted 10 hours ago

a guy in my class just respectfully called Jesus “a damn good magician” and added that he wasn’t a hater.

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Posted 1 day ago

Saturday July 26, 2014

That’s my departure date to Japan! 16 weeks!!!

I’m in the middle of processing all my forms, after which I’ll be assigned my city of residence. These forms are no joke :| It’s like they’re still testing me to see if I’m qualified to go. Just to give you a snapshot of my first-world anguish, I have to deal with:

  • residency and tax forms (this involves finishing a form so they can mail me a form that I need to mail to JET — AND IT’S STILL NOT GUARANTEED THAT THEY’LL FORWARD ALL MY MAIL TO THE RIGHT PLACES ON TIME.)
  • FBI and IRS forms (this stuff aint for free yo)
  • doctor visits to fill out health forms
  • trips to a police station to get prints of my fingerprints (consists of me paying money to get a form so i can make an appointment to get these pictures, which will cost something else on top of that)
  • trips to the bank to get that certified check
  • keeping in touch with the school registrar so they can mail my proof of graduation

My head hurts because they all have different due dates and turnaround times and I’m overwhelmed and stress-eating (because it’s also dinner time) but despite that, I feel like I need to sit down and reflect on this entire blessed ordeal. 

I don’t have much to say other than how I’m convicted that everything is grace. It’s easy to say that for the good, but I even mean that for the bad. My interview sucked. I don’t know how anyone “always knew” I was going to pass or had faith in me when I wouldn’t have hired myself. But look at me now — I’m not even wait-listed o_o It was the only job/career/post-graduation plan I ever prepared for! Talk about all eggs in one basket.

It took me a few talks with L and time running outside to realize how finite my resources are. Chapters are closing, but not very easily! There’s literally a half crap ton (literally 1000 pounds, or 1000 hours, or 40 something days left) of school I need to power through so I can get all A’s and graduate and put college behind me forever. It’ll only be a matter of weeks before I can see L again, and then only a few more weeks after that before I say “bye” to him for a long time. Laying in bed, I can look up at my ceiling in the dark and say with complete truthfulness that it’ll only be a matter of months before I look up at a completely different ceiling on the other side of the world before I slip into the same unconsciousness. Even given the bittersweet nature of some of these events, I’m too excited. My “openness-to-experience” levels are through the roof. It’s thoughts like these make me wanna throw some gloray up into the air and hope God catches it ‘cause He deserves it. He’s a swell God. But what could I throw? Glitter? My dean’s list grades? My offer to go to JET? My entire self? But even then, clearly that’s not enough! So how about this lovely suburban neighborhood when it’s bathed in 2-in-the-afternoon sunlight, undulating with incoming spring winds and fantasies of cool summers? Still not enough? How about this planet? Or this universe? Why can I only offer the Creator’s creation back to Him? I guess all these things come closer to a worthy offering, but more and more, I find within myself an infinite well that needs to drawn out by something equally infinite. 

Made in His image — it’s easy to see that when life’s going so well. Whilst running home, I remembered how hard it’ll be to say all of this when life isn’t going well. It’s easy to love God now. It’s hard to feel love when things fall away (either because He took them or otherwise) and then be told to love him even more than before. By that point, won’t it sound a little forced? Disingenuous? Fake? Will God still accept these dirty ripped rags processed through a cycle of cursing and denial? 

Hm. Probably. I think I was made to love Him and my heart inflates when it recognizes its first Lover. I think that’s why I know I can love life and love L and love my friends and love this redeemable planet when there’s not enough time, or not enough space, or not enough anything. God’s here and there and everywhere and asking me to love and give glory to Him without discrimination or limitation, because Jesus held nothing against me or you when He went to that cross.

These forms WILL get done. I WILL get all A’s and graduate. I WILL enjoy this last month and a half of college. I WILL complain, but I’ll get over it because God willing, the end isn’t anywhere near in sight.

Posted 1 week ago

Click on if you really wanna know an unnecessarily excessive amount of information on me!

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Posted 1 week ago

The foreign visitor to Japan today is apt to be at once delighted and dismayed by what he observes. The delight will probably stem from what is old in the country — the temples set in their clean-swept grounds and gardens, the brilliant spectacle of the theatres, the cordiality and charm of one’s reception in any Japanese home. Most travelers indeed are so captivated by this aspect of Japan as to become excessively critical of what the past sixty or seventy years have brought from the West. They bewail the fact that many Japanese women have given up their beautiful kimonos in favor of mass-produced dresses, that the Japanese home is all too frequently marred by a “foreign-style” room with lumpish furniture obscurely derived from European prototypes, and that the streets are filled with the din of clanging trams and squawking loud-speakers. Those who complain in these terms are quite justified in their aesthetic indignation, although not in the arrogant impatience with which it is too often accompanied.

— Introduction by Donald Keene to Dazai Osamu’s The Setting Sun

Posted 2 weeks ago


Posted 2 weeks ago

A few years ago, I got (dumped) out of a relationship where misunderstanding, arguing, fighting, hurting, and doubting happened on a weekly basis. I thought that was normal (hint: it’s not!). So, needless to say, one of the first things I worked on afterwards were my conflict management skills because I learned that everything’s a lot harder when you’re not dating a mind-reader. Aside from the errors he made, I also became convinced that the split was largely due to me coming from a family of poor communication, bad habits and sub-par affective management. I couldn’t speak in an edifying/constructive way even if my life depended on it because I was never taught how.

Thus, in the immediate days following me and L officially becoming a thingthang (happy 4 months bb), one of the first questions I asked the almighty (<— a sore understatement) E was “how do you make sure fights don’t escalate to abuse?”

And from among the treasure trove of wisdom she so preciously bestowed to me, she also said that in her case, “neither of us are the fighting type.”

I know people don’t like categories/typologies because labels are “limiting”, but what she said to me freed me because that became an identity I aimed to have, even if my upbringing and my biases wouldn’t normally pave the way for that.

"Not the fighting type" stuck in my head today because last week, me and my dad’s relationship fell to pieces, (would’ve written a post about this earlier but was too busy dealing with the mess). I’m also taking a 4 week psychoeducational workshop on mindfulness and healthy emotional expression, which is helping me learn that I’m a human replete with a set of reinforced and neglected neural networks that taught me to be sensitive to some things and completely ignorant of others. When I look at the rest of the world intentionally and unintentionally hurting each other, I realize it’s just like me. And I’m just like it. An accomplice of sin.

Times like these make me relate a little bit better with Peter when he used his mouth to deny knowing Jesus even though his soul probably felt otherwise; it reminds me that I’m more than the words that I (don’t) say. I’m more than the relationships I’ve let fall away. I’m more than whatever’s supposed to be waiting for me, the current me, because I’m always becoming someone new and God stays for all of it!

Two identical individuals aren’t guaranteed to complement one another, but two incongruous individuals aren’t destined to fight all the time either, regardless of their past or their habits.

That’s evidence of grace overflowing abundantly.

In Noragami, when a pure spirit from the afterlife comes into contact with a Phantom (a manifestation of malicious and debilitating emotions that gained a living form by attaching themselves to weak human spirits), it contracts a blight, causing corrosive internal and external pain and damage. And it’s contagious. And I look at my family and everything that goes wrong in it and look at myself and I want to keep my hands stuffed in my pockets with an 100 feet radius from everyone because I’m blighted. 

But as of late, God’s helped me clearly see how dearly some people love me and they stand out as vibrantly as white paint drippings on a black floor, remnants of the Artist’s cosmically superior work I can’t begin to fathom. They’re people who welcome my touch, my presence, my ugliness, and don’t shy away because they carry the power of the ultimate Creator, the ultimate Lover, and the ultimate Healer. 

I’ve been praying to struggle more because I wanted to grow but in light of everything, including a pending rejection from JET, I’ve relished 2014. In the morning, I’m gonna go look at cars with my dad. My grades are hovering exactly where I want them to be. My relationship with L is one of the best things that’s ever happened to me in my life, next to knowing Jesus and eating hotpot, but I don’t wanna gush too much about that here. I adore so many of my sisters in Christ right now in a way I’ve never loved before and they’re all powerfully handling life in a way that doesn’t let the bad overwhelm the good. Glory be to God.

Posted 2 weeks ago

"By focusing on the cultural roots of national behavior, both in society and business, we can foresee and calculate with a surprising degree of accuracy how others will react to our plans for them, and we can make certain assumptions as to how they will approach us. A working knowledge of the basic traits of other cultures (as well as our own) will minimize unpleasant surprises (culture shock), give us insights in advance, and enable us to interact successfully with nationalities with whom we previously had difficulty." — Richard D. Lewis, When Cultures Collide

It’s hard to understand what the graphs mean because of the terminology but they’re so interesting to look at!

Posted 3 weeks ago

After dealing with people who treat you wrongly for so long, it’s weird to meet and trust in people who treat you right and to believe that they’re not going to hurt you.

Posted 3 weeks ago

her english is incredible

— ben watching Pocahontas for the first time

Posted 4 weeks ago