I’m feeling again, and it’s only taken tragedies like #MH370, or the news that my friend’s friend’s mom has terminal cancer and probably won’t make it to her daughter’s wedding later this year, or diving into understanding the depths of enjo-kosai (compensated dating aka a form of prostitution) or suicide in Japan (staggering average of 30000 lives a year! That’s like Rutgers NB committing a school-wide suicide, one at a time or altogether, doesn’t matter/ will make a post on this later) to wake up my heart. The context of this post takes place in a season of my life where I feel like everything’s been going really well, too well, to the point where it’s inhibiting my ability to empathize with people who aren’t doing well.
If you look at the Malaysian airline tag, you get to see people everywhere care with bated breath. It’s miraculous to suddenly stop breathing and know the whole world is doing the same. I thought this kind of coordination could only happen in movies… like Digimon… anyway…
I feel them utterly, and with urgent desperation, plead to greater powers. Have you seen that gif with the plane suddenly disappearing from the face of the radar? Regardless of what their images of these powers look like, this harrowing emotion supersedes experience and politics and beliefs. Worrying is universal. I’ve never seen the collective body of humanity so clearly before. These are the people God made.
"Keep them in your thoughts and prayers." The nonreligious are praying and that’s incredible to me. Because it’s crazy — here we have a world that walks by the street preachers and the homeless with a similar disdain, but God makes use of it. Who’s to say that even they, caught beneath the pungent onion-y layers of narrow-minded biases and urban poverty, are immune from the fragrance of God’s grace? But now here are the cries of millions. And maybe it’s relevant to note that 80 percent of Malaysia is Muslim, but maybe it’s not. Does God hear their pleas? I don’t speculate to find answers, but I marvel and rest in the hope of at how brilliantly big enough He is to meet my trembling heart and each and every one of theirs.
Is that a foolish hope?
Still, how selfish can I be? to pray and ask for a little comfort in this time when none of this personally affects me? Yet I think it’s equally, if not more, selfish to pray about something like my exams this coming week. Either way, I sometimes feel like I make my prayers seem no different from the wishes this world often mistakes prayer to be.
I decided not to go to church today because I need to use those hours for studying and I can’t afford to stay up til 4am again. I’m only mildly bothered that I’m not going to service — it’s a similar dissatisfaction to what I feel when I don’t read the Bible so I thank God for this craving. It’s good to want. And after fasting for a while, praying before I get the opportunity to eat takes on an entirely new meaning.
None of these points are connecting very well and I can’t find a theme, but this is where I am. I need a break and I’m fortunate enough to get one after my exams are done while there are people in this world who are wondering if their grandfathers or cousins or fiances are still alive. I’m disgusted with everything, but I have to ask myself again “is God enough for me? Is God enough for this world?”
“When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, and your sleep will be pleasant. Don’t fear sudden danger or the ruin of the wicked when it comes, for the LORD will be your confidence and will keep you foot from a snare.” Proverbs 3:24-26
And I think, to ask God these things and expect a divine reply is a good place to be. I’m not doubting. I’m not wavering. Neither of those things are that terrible — I’m just waiting on God to deliver us.