Long overdue s/o to benshim for being one of the best brothers I’ve got in my life today and for reminding me of the deep and undeserved love I accept from Jesus everyday. I share these excerpts not to promote him, but to offer hope to anyone who feels guilty or immense regret today.
Brief background story: I went to Ben to ask him a very big question like “how do I stop hating someone?” because at that moment, I really wanted to hurt somebody but at the same time, I was just shocked by the intensity of my own feelings. He told me to take it to God and helped me step outside of those sickening emotions and enter a place where I desired true repentance. I’m better aware of why it’s still so hard for me to forgive. I’m ashamed that I still need to struggle with it as seriously as I did 3 years ago. I don’t want to admit that nothing’s changed, because so many things have changed!, but I find myself back here again.
There’s a stupidly big story looming in the backdrop of this story but I don’t know if I’m ready to admit that part yet. When I finally do, it’ll have been 3 years in the making and probably grossly inappropriate to post on this blog for anyone to read, which is just one of many reasons it’s never been written before.
You might find it petty. I tell that to myself every time these feelings swell up to be bigger than they should be. Ben told me to stop being so self deprecating because it kept interrupting the way I narrated things to him, but it actually interrupts so much more than that. I’ve never been able to tell my testimony because I don’t know what it is and my thoughts are further hindered by me telling myself it wasn’t really that big of a deal.
My experiences matter. My experiences matter. My experiences matter. The truth of it is is that few people were there to see me at my worst when I needed them to be there the most. I remember asking for help, getting meals with people I normally wouldn’t meet, asking if I was crazy or wrong to feel the way I felt. But like so many other hurt individuals, I cut out throngs of people (who were supposed to help me instead of ignore me) from my life in order to salvage some sanity and peace within the chaotic hurricane I had to dub “sanctification,” “pruning” or “growing up.” It still hurt way more than I was prepared for it to be.
What do I now have to show for my suffering? Wisdom, compassion, true friends. What can I learn from today’s antagonistic feelings? The usual truths. We’re all works in progress. It doesn’t matter how petty my story might compare to your story because at the end of the day, that’s exactly what helps me see and understand, not accept, the unfair brokenness of this earth from all our equally stupid but not always unnecessary suffering. And when I learn that we’re actually all the same, it helps me be humble. And when I’m humble, it makes it a lot easier to love you like God must love me.
I’m still not an expert about this. I don’t know what I’ll have to face next time. But I know I don’t have to act on how I feel, so for now, I’ll say that I’m at peace and keep trying my best to love.
Final wisdom from Luke da boyf:
If it breaks your heart or makes you angry, I think you can convert that into love. You’ve gotten the short end of the stick but now you’re in a season of victory. You’ve come a long way and I’ve seen you use the past for a better present.
To my friends: one million thank you’s to you each. Only a few can truly say they’ve seen me when waters were rough and tears were aplenty.
Posted 20 hours ago